the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments: This One’s About Vaccines And Vaginas!

Vacation plan: Clean apartment, finish reading that Twain biography. Vacation reality: Booze & MLP fanfic
Oh, Wonkers, we have some beautiful deletia for you this week! Looks to us like some people have really been working overtime in the Derp Mines to bring us this fine assortment of stupidity. For starters, we have this thought-provoking bit of turnabout from “John Smith” (Real name: “Bob Johnson”), who understands that Bobby Jindal just wants to protect Liberty from the homos. Just think about this — would you libs really be so hot on forcing Christians to ...
  Sunday Gossip Hour

It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Sit Next To Each Other And Talk Sh*t About People

Gossiping cat has thoughts to share.
Happy Sunday, Wonketariat! We hope this love note finds you fat and happy. We should take a moment before we go get ACTUAL brunch, to do internet brunch gossip about the Most Popular Stories of the week. You all were all over the place this week, with your favorites! But first, since your Wonkette loves you, and you love your Wonkette, if these stories make you happy (or if they make you want to throw all your precious TruckNutz at the wall in rage) you should go ahead and drop $5 in the ...
  this is the law in these here parts

Racism Is Just As Imaginary As Climate Change! Your Florida Roundup

The new Sheriff Joe?
It’s time for your weekly Florida news, is everybody ready? Let’s do this! Let This Nice White Man Teach Y’all How To Be Black David Morgan, the sheriff of Escambia County — an illiterate hickberg on the westernmost edge of the Panhandle that should really be part of Alabama, but we keep it because Alabama doesn’t want it either — is a white man who has some Very Deep Thoughts™ about racism and why it does not exist. You see, some white people voted for Barack Obama, so ...
  When you lie upon a star...

The Snake Oil Bulletin: It Sure Is Tough To Know Whether Or Not You’ve Had Brain Cancer

Extree! Extree! Step right up for your weekly dose of flim-flam and phooey, your beloved Snake Oil Bulletin! For today’s edition, we have a few follow-ups to previous stories we’ve covered. So pull up a seat, pour yourself a heaping cup of coffee for your enema, and let’s dive right into today’s selection with the return of Belle Gibson. Lying Liar Belle Gibson Admits She Lied A Whole Big Bag of Lies Here’s a shocker to rock the foundation of everything you ...
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin So Mad Obama Won’t Stop Murdering The African Christians

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
On this week’s Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker, Sarah Palin provides further evidence that news travels to Alaska via dogsled, paddlewheel steamers, and three-eyed ravens. We simply cannot come up with any other explanation for this bit of Palin-flavored conserva-whining about an al-Shabaab attack in Kenya from early April: Wow, are massacres of Christians now so routine that, shoot, they can barely break into the news cycle? Seems that way. In Kenya, a jihadist group ...
  Let's Go Kill Some Scientists

Wingnut Columnist: Neil DeGrasse Tyson Is A Bad Scientist, Could Someone Please Kill Him?

Works for media literacy too.
WordNetDaily columnist Erik “The Other Rush” Rush — he really calls himself that — would like to share with you some Thoughts About Science, which mostly boil down to: science is nice when it gives us flatscreen TVs and atomic bombs, but we’d better not trust the “scientific community” because it’s full of atheists and socialists who are trying to set themselves up as some kinds of authorities on stuff that they have no business talking about, ...
  gay prom nice time!

Gay Boy Gets To Go To Prom With Hella Cute Straight Boy Of His Dreams!

It is the weekend, which means we need a Nice Time, and it’s a GOOD ONE. Remember prom? That thing that happened in high school where the mean kids spilled pig blood all over you, so you unleashed your powers and murdered everybody? Ha ha, no, you did not do that, you are not Carrie! You stayed home from your prom, duh. Well, here is a gay kid who is DEFINITELY going, because his best friend, a straight guy, asked him in the most adorable way. It all started when young gay ...
  Such fair many balance

Dog The Bounty Hunter Not Crazy Enough For Fox News, Sadface!

It’s not really 2016 yet, but so far, things are not looking good for the GOP. They’ve already lost this proud teabagger because he loves his Obamacare a whole lot and doesn’t want Republicans to take it away from him, and now they’ve lost Duane Chapman, better known as Dog the Bounty Hunter. On Friday’s “Outnumbered” — the Fox News show by ladies, for ladies, with one special guest star token penis, for fairness and balance and [insert ...
  Keep Watching The Skies!

Chemtrail Loons Yell At Arizona Congressman For Not Being Total Dipsh*t

The truth is out there. Very, very far out there
Here’s how nutso the Chemtrail People are: they’re actually too crazy for a Tea Partier, Arizona Republican congresscritter Paul Gosar, DDS, who got yelled at by an assortment of chemtrail enthusiasts at Monday’s meeting of the Conservative Republican Club of Kingman. Kingman appears to be a hotbed of Chemtrail Trutherdom, as we’ve reported before. The wingnuts in the audience were not pleased by Gosar’s complete denial of the international weather modification ...
  yes but does he eat arugula?

New York Times Very Concerned Jeb Bush Isn’t A Gross Enough Fatty To Be President

The New York Times is such a lovable whackjob sometimes. They apparently are having all kinds of fun doing profiles of the GOP presidential candidates! Wednesday, we learned that smug prick Ted Cruz was also a smug prick when he was in college, and that he gets all defensive when you make jokes about him. Today, it is Jeb Bush’s turn. What jewels of knowledge does the Times have for us, about Jeb? Oh, just that he really wants to be president, but he can’t because he’s not ...

Koch Brothers Explain Bible To Pope. Thanks, Koch Brothers!

He'll see reason OR ELSE
While most of the world is trying to figure out what to do about this whole climate change thing before it’s too late and we are all OOPS! dead, the concerned citizens at the completely objective Heartland Institute, which happens to be funded by the also very objective Koch brothers, are looking out for more important things, like teaching Pope Francis that God loves pollution: “The Holy Father is being misled by ‘experts’ at the United Nations who have proven unworthy of his trust,” ...
  Would You Like Phlegm With That?

Minnesota Republicans Solve Pressing Problem Of Waitresses Making Too Much Money

We'd forgotten that Vic Tayback was in the movie, too...
The Republican-controlled Minnesota House of Representatives passed a nice fuck-the-poors bill Wednesday. The bill would cut the minimum wage for workers who make at least $4 an hour in tips, to Save Jobs, and also maybe because the state’s restaurant industry lobbied heavily for the bill. To save jobs, dontcha know. Then they probably made a Hillary-at-Chipotle joke, which is all the rage with Republicans these days. The bill’s author, Rep. Pat Garofalo, said the lower minimum ...
  it's called "fair taxation"

You Won’t Believe How Kansas Is Paying For Rich People’s Tax Cuts (Unless You’re Not Dumb)

If he has to pay more taxes, it won't be so good to be the king anymore :(
Kansas is on a roll this month, if by “on a roll,” you mean “wow, it seems like they come up with a new way to screw poor people every single day!” What are they doing now? Oh, just trying to get poor people to pay for all the tax cuts rich people have been enjoying for several years now. Those tax cuts were, of course, supposed to make Kansas grow and thrive, but because that doesn’t actually work anywhere besides Ronald Reagan’s dead butthole, Kansas ...
  What will the medal say?

Montana Lawyers Honor Judge Who Said Slutty Teen Rape Victim Was Asking For It, Just Because

Bestest judge EVER!
You would think, after the Montana Supreme Court censured and suspended District Judge G. Todd Baugh for issuing one of the most despicable orders to a convicted rapist ever, that would be the last we’d hear about Judge Baugh. But nope, the Yellowstone Area Bar Association has decided he deserves a lifetime achievement award after 30 years on the bench — from which he had to resign in disgrace by retiring that year. In case you’ve succeeded in bleaching that horror show ...
  This will be just great

Disgraced Colorado Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt Will Hunt Demons In State Senate

Next he will be governor, then president, and after that king of the universe!
Colorado state Rep. Gordon “disgraced former Navy chaplain” Klingenschmitt, who is one of yr Wonkette’s favorites, has been in the Colorado House for a whole five minutes or so, and in that time he’s made a mark! Most recently, he was in the news because he went on his Funtime Afternoon Jesus Video Program and said that a truly gruesome attack on a pregnant woman happened because God hates ‘bortion so much, so he, in his infinite omniscient wisdom, sure showed ...
  Vendetta? What Vendetta?

Of Course Joe Arpaio Sent A Private Dick After A Federal Judge’s Wife. He’s Sheriff Joe!

He IS Justice!
Here’s one way to tell that maybe your contempt of court hearing isn’t going your way: When the judge in your case asks if you hired a private investigator to look into that judge’s wife, and you have to admit that, well, yes, but only because you’re a paranoid creep who always investigates his political enemies. It’s not like Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio was singling out U.S. District Court Judge G. Murray Snow or anything. Things took a weird turn ...
  that’s not very nice

Maine Republicans Want To Cure Infertility, Unless You Had A Disease In Your Filthy Vagina

Everyone woman should have babies except not
Some fellas in the Maine legislature think it would be nice if health insurance covered infertility treatment for ladies what want to have babies but cannot. So the state’s Republican Senate Majority Leader Garrett Mason has introduced S.P. 334, An Act To Provide Access to Infertility Treatment so infertility treatment will be more affordable. That’s sweet of him! Testifying before the Committee on Insurance and Financial Services earlier this month, Sen. Mason explained why he ...
  that’s not very nice

Ted Cruz Doesn’t Like Gays, Does Like Their Money

Just being a good Christian
Ted Cruz has made his position on gays quite clear: He’s against ‘em. His record of opposition to equality is extensive because if they want to be treated like human beings, they can just choose to Don’t Be Gay. He’s even called for a constitutional amendment to prevent the Supreme Court from ruling on marriage equality cases. When asked by radio host Hugh Hewitt whether he’d attend a gay wedding, he confessed that he’d never been invited to one ...
  nice time!

Sorry Nutbags, Even AZ’s Hard-Right Gov Thinks Keeping Foster Kids From Gay Homes Is Dick Move

We're fine with gay adoptions, but not with naming innocent children 'Arwen'
Is there a tinfoil hat shortage in Arizona? Republican Gov. Doug Ducey issued an executive order Wednesday rescinding a Department of Child Safety policy prohibiting legally married same-sex couples from adopting children or becoming foster parents, bringing actual state policy into line with a pledge Ducey had made last week to encourage more adoptions, regardless of whether adoptive parents were gay or straight. In fact, Ducey was downright testy when he found out that the agency even had ...
  Hmmmm is something ELSE happening in 2016?

GOP Will Release Benghazi Report In 2016 To Help Hillary Clinton, Obviously

Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-Benghazi!!111!) went on the Fox News Greta Van Susteren program and dropped a surprising bombshell about the House’s top secret investigation into Benghazi:  The report probably won’t be released until 2016, right smack in the middle of the election. Huh! Gowdy says it’s silly to suggest the GOP-controlled committee is doing this to try to hurt Hillary Clinton, because “[t]hat assumes the report would be critical of [Clinton] and I don’t make that ...
  Grrrrrl power

North Carolina Will Make You Wait For That Abortion Until You Realize You Don’t Want It

It's for your own good!
Chicks, amirite? So hormonal and impulsive and never knowing what they really want. That’s why they are lucky to have the North Carolina General Assembly to protect them from making bad decisions, with HB 465 — a bill to extend the state’s 24-hour waiting period for abortions to 72 hours, which passed on Thursday. Because really, is one day enough time to realize you don’t want to kill your baby? Probably not. State Rep. Jacqueline Schaffer (R-As if you didn’t ...
  Just Don't Shout 'I AM Justice!' At Your Swearing-In

Loretta Lynch Confirmed; Eric Holder Can Finally Take This Job And Shove It

Still claims not to be Eric Holder, reportedly has not yet died of old age
Congratulations, Loretta Lynch! You have been confirmed as Attorney General, and it only took 166 days, which, as a student of History, you may be interested to know, is much longer than the entire lifespan of quite a few independent nations. Only two other Attorneys General took longer to confirm (Edwin Meese, under Ronald Reagan, and A. Mitchell Palmer, under Woodrow Wilson). Thank goodness, though, the Senate finally passed that human trafficking bill that had absolutely nothing to do ...