Dead Children And A Deadbeat Dad: Mark Sanford’s Sad, Sleazy Divorce Hearing Transcript (EXCLUSIVE, FOR REAL)

  the plane! the plane!
For real Wonkette exclusive must credit Wonket: In a post-divorce family court hearing transcript obtained by Wonkette, we learn even more sordid details about South Carolina Rep. Mark Sanford and his divorce from ex-wife Jenny, including: That Mark was a deadbeat dad who was found in contempt ...

Crazy Fox & Friends Sheriff Will Make ISIS Pee Themselves, Ayup!

  Ready For ISIS...But What About Shazam?
Sheriff Elmer Fudd
Meet Sheriff Gary Painter of Midland County, Texas. He is not going to let ISIS invade his beautiful American Texas of the United States, no sir! In what can only be described as performance art, Fox & Friends’ Elizabeth Hasselbeck and the sheriff traded rightwing blog rumors about ...

Rush Limbaugh Can’t Believe Sportsball Players Aren’t Even Allowed To Beat Their Wives, Unfair!

  It's a man's game. For men.
Not a real man obviously
Have you heard the about the latest NFL outrage? Nah, bro, not that the Minnesota Vikings will allow admitted baby-beater Adrian Peterson to return to the game because reasons. And not the other outrage about how the NFL finally got around to firing lady-beater Baltimore Raven Ray Rice — ...

Pennsylvania 14-Year-Old Could Get Two Years In Prison For Desecrating Jesus Statue’s Mouth With His Wanger

  Statuary Rape
Wham Bam Thank You Lamb Of God
A Pennsylvania teen is getting an education in morality and jurisprudence after he posted photos of himself pretending to do oral sex with a statue of Our Lord And Savior, Jumped-Up Jesus H. Face-Fucker. The young miscreant, a resident of Everett, Pennsylvania, posed with a statue in front of ...

Portland, Oregon, Come Get Your Sloe Gin Fizz, At Your Wonkette Drinky Thing

  if that ain't love then tell me what is
We don’t think Base Camp Brewing has sloe gin fizzes, but they claim to have a real purty patio, and nice people, and no Pabst. So come on, Portland, and let your Wonket buy you pitchers of beer and platters of fried things, this Saturday, Sept. 20, Base Camp Brewing, 930 SE Oak Street, ...

Vital Sportsball Update: Admitted Baby-Beater Adrian Peterson Can Play Next Week Because ‘Due Process’

  The Beatings Will Continue
Just remember not to spike the poor thing in the end zone
We have important breaking news, America! Monday just got a little bit worse! The Minnesota Vikings Foot-the-ball organisation announced this morning that it will re-activate Adrian Peterson, the running back who was deactivated (but still drew a paycheck) for Sunday’s f’ball game ...

Urban Outfitters Will Definitely Not Be Selling Newtown-Themed Rompers

  Four Canned In Ohio
Seems tasteful enough
Here’s a pretty good marketing scheme: Sell classic university-logo sweatshirts that have been naturally weathered, so they look all old-fashioned n’ stuff. Like that Kent State shirt up top, only $129 from Urban Outfitters. It’s pretty cool, unless maybe you give the photo a ...

Palin Rumble Update: Palins Didn’t Start The Fight, They Just Finished It

  Saturday Night's All Right For Fighting
Details still trickling in
More details continue to emerge regarding the Great Big Palin Brawl of ’14. We aren’t going to go into all the various he-said/she-said/she-screeched-like-a-demented-hellbeast scenarios, but the basics are that a whole bunch of Palins got into a punching match with a number of ...

We Salute You, St. Joseph Of Cupertino, With Flying Friar Pasta Salad

  Have some religious experience for lunch
See the lady in the background carrying some pasta salad?
September 18 is the feast of St. Joseph of Cupertino, a dimwitted 17th century Italian monk. He is the patron saint of test takers because when he was about to take an exam, he prayed that he’d only be asked the questions he knew, and God delivered! His patronage also includes astronauts ...

Child Beaters: Adrian Peterson’s Four-Year-Old Obviously Had It Coming

  Domestic Terrorist
If you think leaving scars on a 4-yeear-old is OK, then no, you did not turn out OK.
[There are some fucked-up pics in here, FYI.] Minnesota Vikings f’ball man Adrian Peterson did not play f’ball on Sunday because he was indicted for child abuse on Friday. The abuse charges were brought in Texas, a state that isn’t exactly known for being unfriendly to ...

John Oliver Brings You The Scottish Independence Story You Didn’t Know You Were Dying To See (Video)

Freedom, sugar tits!
John Oliver and Last Week Tonight have a real treat for us this week: the funniest reporting on this week’s Scottish vote on whether to leave the United Kingdom. Yes, Scotland – which Americans know as “the birthplace of Shrek and that accent you think you can do but actually ...

Arizona Republican Resigns Just For Trying To Save America With Rice And Beans And No Babies For Poors

  welfare kings
Russell Pearce is a man with a vision. He is also a man with an AM radio show. The recalled Arizona Senate leader, architect of the “papers please” immigration law — and, until his sudden resignation late Sunday night, state GOP vice chair — recently took to the airwaves ...

This 9/11 Story Will Make You Cry In The Good Way And Other News You Can Maybe Use

  Your morning cup of wut?
Wake up, Wonketeers, the weekend’s over. Back to the stone what we grind, with some awwwwwwwww news, awful news, and yup, SCIENCE! It’s not often you read a story about 9/11 and cry happy tears and thank whomever it is you thank when you are grateful that this story has a happy ...

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Kinetic Action, Dead Saints, And Less ISIS Than You Might Think

  But Still More ISIS Than You Want
In this alternate universe, the Sunday NYT has a comics section
Good morning, ye Wonkers! Today’s top story is that Yr Doktor Zoom is once again breathing through both nostrils. You may have thought that ISIS or Syria or sportsball scandals or something was big, but that is merely because you Lack Perspective. Sadly, your Sunday New York Times has ...

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Two Jews Walk Into Wasilla

  We Watch So You Don't Have To
The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
“So Todd just comes beepin’ up — be-boppin’ on up stairs, right? Um…interrupted me a little bit…and he says, ‘Hey, Sarah, there’s these two really nice guys from New Jersey, they’re in the dri–.’ C’mere, Todd!” And ...

New Texas Schoolbooks: Moses Wrote The Constitution For Slavery, Segregation

  These Textbooks Sound Awfully Familiar
It is a right, actually. Not an excuse, however.
Well here’s a heck of a surprise! You may remember how Texas re-wrote its standards for history books back in 2010, to make sure that kids learned the important parts of history, like who Phyllis Schlafly is and how the Constitution was inspired by the Bible, while downplaying the ...

What To Wear To Your Late Summer Brawl: The Palin Family’s Fashion Do’s!

Late summer. The perfect time to crash a birthday party, punch the host in the face multiple times, and shriek obscenities at all and sundry. But WHAT TO WEAR? If you are Sarah Palin, the answer is “platform shoes with American flags on them.” You guys, I think I just got hard. ...

What You Missed On Too Many Kids And We’ve Stopped Counting

  Reality TV Recap
They eat food -- just like us!
Our friends at Happy Nice Time People are watching 19 Kids & Counting so we don’t have to. (We and our livers thank you, friends at Happy Nice Time People.) And how many KidsTM popped out of Momma Duggar’s body, for God and America, this week? Let’s find out: Episode 2 ...

Mark Sanford Leaves The Appalachian Trail; Also, That Chick He Was Banging

  The end of the affair
Here’s a great way to round out the week: A trillion-word Ode To My Sorrowful Self by our favorite trail-hiking-enthusiast-slash-lovah, the dishonorable Rep. Mark Sanford (R-”Appalachia”). I apologize for the length of this post, but given the gravity of the issue at hand when ...

George Zimmerman Waving His Penis Substitute Around Again, Because It Is A Day

  Fingering the Perp
Don't make George Zimmerman ask you twice.
Well well well, look who else is hoppin’ aboard the “Do You Know Who I Am?” Express! First it was Sarah Palin, and now it’s Neighborhood Watch aspirant George Zimmerman. What do you s’pose Georgy Porgy is up to these days? Guarding more gun stores? Tweeting out ...

Palins Scalp Witness To Their Epic Snowbilly Battle As First Sort Of Reported By Your Wonkette

  Juneau about this fight? No but Alaska!
Important updates are flying in left and right regarding the big Anchorage birthday party dust-up involving America’s favorite hillbilly family that doesn’t count a child named Honey Boo Boo among its ranks. (Which, when we think about it, is kind of surprising.) We are speaking, of course, of ...

Won’t You Help Republicans In The Senate Get Their Chance To Repeal Obamacare, America?

  The Definition of Insanity
Sen. Rob Portman (R-Iron Man) is always surprising us! He displayed stunning acting range playing Barack Obama in debate prep for two generations of GOP presidential contenders, he suddenly contracted human empathy for the gays last year after he found out his son was one of them, and now ...