"replaces misplaced organs"

You’d think by now the Republicans would just be trying to figure out how to just take voting rights away from ladies and blahs and browns and homosexxicans rather than pretending that any part of their platform will ever appeal to anybody but angry white straight guys. But, in a testament to an absolutely blinkered level of thick-headedness, Republicans are still trying to win over the very people they loathe.

Their latest effort revolves around hoping that if they just yell “women’s health women’shealthWOMEN’SHEALTH” louder and louder and over and over, somehow it will come to mean what they want it to mean, which is to say that it will no longer mean anything about babbies or ‘bortions. Instead, “women’s health” will become synonymous with osteoporosis, which is no doubt the most gripping health problem facing American women.

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money money money

Are you an Ambitious Young Person With Big Political Dreams? Probably not, because you are reading this blog, which most likely means that you are a disgruntled middle age-ish sort of person, because we mock the fuck out of millennials; also too we are not really all that sunshine and unicorns about politics, now are we? But let’s say you are that ambitious young person and you want to work on a campaign for the next Obama, or at least the next Omaha mayoral race. You’ve already likely prepared yourself for having to do the dirty work for free, but if you’re really committed, you should be preparing to throw down a cool $5K for the privilege of working on a campaign gratis, because that’s how you get ahead in life or something.

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Let's remember the real victim: Sarah PalinOur story this morning about the bloviations of Redd Foxx comedy sketch escapee Abdul-Hakim Shabazz and his brilliantly satirical attempts to bum money off panhandlers got noticed by Mr. Shabazz himself, who must spend a fair amount of each day self-googling. Careful you don’t go blind, Mr. Shabazz! He dropped an attempted comment in the ol’ queue, and we just couldn’t wait to share it:

Howdy folks! It’s Abdul, the author of the brilliant piece of literature. I thought I would join in the conversation. First, it’s obvious many of you don’t know the difference between homeless and panhandlers. Ask anyone who works in social services Indy and they will tell you there is a difference.

Oh, let us guess — the former are the deserving poor and the latter are troublesome scum? Hahaha, we are of course kidding. None of the poor deserve anything. READ MORE »

the freak show is in town

Last time we checked in with the Koch brothers’ frathouse spinoff Generation Opportunity, they were attempting to convince DC’s underemployed youth to shun ObamaCare by drowning them in rail drinks and cheap sunglasses. Now that it’s summertime, like everyone else they want to be outside having fun instead of in some dank basement bar, so what better waste of their seemingly bottomless budget than holding a parody of a carnival on the National Mall? READ MORE »

The Gay City Rollers reunion tourAn Iowa newspaper editor who was fired after blogging about how The Gays are going to hell and taking America with them is now suing his former newspaper, claiming that he’s a victim of religious discrimination. Let’s all pour one out for poor oppressed Bob Eschliman, the former editor of the Newton Daily News, who was shitcanned just because he wrote a piece on his personal blog decrying a website called “The Queen James Bible” and saying that “the Gaystapo” was out to “make their sinful nature right with God.” And now he’s threatening to sue, because of course his employers shouldn’t have the right to get rid of an editor that makes their paper look stupid. It’s all about free speach, which means that you get to say anything you want to, with no consequences ever, especially if you’re certain that Jesus agrees with you. READ MORE »

We all love George TakeiLast night’s Daily Show brings us George Takei, who’s gone from pretend starship helmsman to real-life human rights hero and kept an excellent outlook on everything, somehow. Takei is on a press tour for his autobiographical documentary, To Be Takei, and instead of the usual interview fodder — his career on the popular “Star Wars” TV series or his work as a gay rights activist — Jon Stewart instead asked Takei to talk about his childhood experience in an internment camp during World War II. The amazing thing, and one of the reasons we just love George Takei, is that he can talk about the horrible irony of saying the Pledge of Allegiance in an elementary classroom and looking out at barbed wire and guard towers while saying “with liberty and justice for all” … and he can tell the story so calmly, summing it up with his father’s explanation years later: READ MORE »

It’s baaaaaaaaack. Just as we were all beginning to forget that terrible, TERRIBLE Twilight-inspired tripe called Fifty Shades of Grey — do not even get me started on how 50 kinds of sad it is that E.L. James enjoyed Twilight so much, she wrote her very own fan-fic trilogy, which is basically the same story except with more sex, but not the wolf-on-virgin kind, and no sparkly vampires, and excuse me, but vampires do NOT sparkle, goddamnit, everyone knows that — now we get to relive the pain on the big screen.

Of course we all remember how all the rage Fifty Shades was. It was SO all the rage that even Very Serious Writers like Ruth Marcus and Gene Weingarten and self-professed prude Mitch Albom debased themselves by reading the book so they could scoff at the little people who also read the book, but for pleasure not clickbait.

In case you’re one of those people who wants to pretend you totally did not read any of those books — and you know who you are, AND YES YOU DID — allow me to bring back all the bad memories for you. READ MORE »

You may have noticed that, apart from the supremely idiotic thoughts of the people who got America into Iraq in the first place, we haven’t been covering the terrible situation in that country much, because there is absolutely zero that’s funny about it. And there’s even less to laugh at in this latest development: The United Nations says that in Mosul, ISIS has ordered all women and girls between the ages of 11 and 45 to undergo female genital mutilation. We hope the Hobby Lobby folks don’t get any ideas. READ MORE »

Image unrelatedHere’s a story that easily could have turned out awful but is ultimately nice time, though not for lack of trying! Near Grimes, Iowa, two Polk County deputies successfully stopped a car that had been weaving all over the road, but while trying to get to the driver, who was incapacitated due to a medical emergency, one of the deputies accidentally fired his gun into the car’s passenger-side door. Nobody was injured, because dumb luck. READ MORE »

A hydropmorphone lullaby

Polish up your resumes, Wonketeers, because it looks like the great state of Arizona will soon be in the market for a new press flack! After the AP and the Washington Post reported that the botched execution of convicted murderer Joseph R. Wood III was punctuated by nearly two hours of snorting and gasping, the Arizona Attorney General’s office felt it needed to set the record straight.

State officials disputed these accounts, contending that Wood was never in pain and that he was only snoring.

“I’m telling you he was snoring,” Stephanie Grisham, spokeswoman for the Arizona attorney general’s office, said in an e-mail to The Washington Post. “There was no gasping or snorting. Nothing. He looked like he was asleep. This was my first execution and I have no reason to minimize this.”

It was her first execution, you guys, so why would anyone question her expertise?

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get a jobOh man, aren’t poor people the worst? Like, there you are, “working and playing” in … Indianapolis, sure, why not, just go with it. You are just trying to enjoy a “meal, cigar,” and some dirty homeless waif comes up and is like “waaah, good sir, I am so hungry, can you spare a ducat?” And then you are forced to kick them in the face while you laugh and laugh!

Tell us all about it, Abdul-Hakim Shabazz, editor and publisher of IndyPolitics, writing in that liberal rag the Indianapolis Star!

As someone who works and frequently plays in the Mile Square, I come across panhandlers every day. They include the “physically disabled” woman outside of Starbucks on Monument Circle who manages to haul around a shopping cart full of her stuff, the guy who has been trying to get enough money for gas so he can get his family stuck on the Eastside to Memphis, and the two guys who are “broke and homeless” but talked about their cellphone plans when they didn’t think anyone was listening.

Oh, we get it, you’re a pustulent cock. READ MORE »

It's Spanish for "without subsidy"The DC Circuit Court’s ruling on the ACA Tuesday was, according to everyone on cable, “a major blow to Obamacare,” as Jon Stewart dutifully notes with clips of a slew of cable news people saying it was a huge, catastrophic, major deadly blow. As you recall, the appeals court insisted that a bit of sloppiness in drafting be interpreted as narrowly as possible — since the law says subsidies will go to those who buy insurance “through an exchange established by the state,” two Republican appointees held that there’s no way the law actually allows subsidies for those who bought insurance on the federal exchange. Says Stewart,

I’m just happy both judges got to work that morning, assuming that once they hit stop signs, their days ends. Until the law expressly provides a “go” sign, we can in no way ascertain the intent of the framers of the sign.

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question mark!Blind item! Gossipy thing! Drudge siren! Which blatantly coupled-up DC “journalist” guy (just kidding about the “journalist” part) is going around hitting on DC women, and then standing them up? We wonder if you will ever be able to guess.

Our source, a well-educated lady employed by one of the District’s fine institutions of higher learning, was browsing at a Dupont Circle bookstore in the late afternoon when a “scruffy” guy started chatting her up. He had a certain awkward charm despite the ham-handed way he dropped the name of his employer, a prominent conservative media organ with offices nearby. Phone numbers were disclosed and later that night he popped up asking for a lunch date. Cute! Nerdy!

We here at Wonkette were mildly scandalized to learn of this flirty boy’s identity since he has, by his own design, become somewhat known for having a girlfriend, who also works in DC media. We were also surprised, as might be his high-profile boss, to hear he’s taken to calling himself a “managing editor.” READ MORE »

Bucket of popcorn in hand, Dana Rohrabacher enters the theater for a screening of Dinesh D'Souza's new movie.It is strange goddamn times we live in when Dana Rohrabacher says something astoundingly, head-smackingly dumb and it’s still barely in the top fifty of dumb things we’ve heard this week. Nonetheless and also such as, this is pretty dumb.

Republican Congressman Dana Rohrabacher, a frequent foe of Google, is demanding to know why the giant Internet company was fumbling the search results for Dinesh D’Souza’s movie America for nearly three weeks.

“This doesn’t deserve to be ignored. We need to verify the statistics in some way, and I will be suggesting the appropriate committee or subcommittee have some kind of hearing on this,” Rohrbacher said. “We know there were significant incidences, and that would suggest there was intent behind Google’s nonperformance.”

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She may run for president. Or she take up llama waltzing.Look, would all you lamepants lamers in the lamestream media just stop obsessing about that dumb plane with the Dutchmen on it, and those dumb brown children, and pay attention to something important, like whether Michele Bachmann will run for president again on her popular “What About Me?” platform. Real Clear Politics actually asked old Crazy Eyes whether she planned another run, which she took as a signal to whine about how no one is talking about her possible presidential aspirations:

“The only thing that the media has speculated on is that it’s going to be various men that are running … They haven’t speculated, for instance, that I’m going to run. What if I decide to run? And there’s a chance I could run.”

Yeah, guys. She really might run. She’s not saying she’s gonna run for sure, but she might. Really. A run for president. By 2012 Presidential Candidate Michele Bachman. Who ran for president once, and may again. Why aren’t people talking about that, huh? It’s because you all hate conservative women, you haters. READ MORE »