Twitter rant forthcoming

Donald Trump Fired From NBC For Being YOOOOOOOGE Racist Lick Knob

  Sad news for all of you Donald Trump-lovers. (Those exist, we think?) The purging of Donald Trump is no longer limited to mean Spanish-speaking teevee types. After Univision decided it would no longer be airing Miss Universe pageants owned by men who call Mexican immigrants drug-criming rapists, Trump reacted with all the maturity and grace we’ve come to expect, threatening to sue the network and banning Univision employees from one of his gauche resorts in Miami. Well, we ...
  Here Is The Church Here Is The Steeple...Damn!

African American Churches Sure Burning Down A Lot, Probably War on Christians

Yes, we know none of the churches were in Mississippi. But YOU try finding a movie called 'Georgia,Tennessee, Florida and Both Carolinas Burning'
This is a bad thing: Six African American churches have been burned, since the June 17 murders of nine people at Emanuel AME Church in Charleston, and arson is suspected in at least three of the fires. The FBI and Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives are investigating, and while there’s no evidence yet that the fires are connected (and accidental causes are suspected in two fires), four Southern black churches burning within a week of a racist murder seems statistically ...
  Just close your eyes and think of Jesus

Alabama Needs Time To Relax Sphincter For First Gay Marriaging

Too bad, so sad
Alabama has officially joined the bandwagon of Sore Losers who refuse to believe the War on Marriage Equality is over, and the bigots did not win. The state’s Supreme Court issued an order Monday, declaring that even though the United States Supreme Court already ruled on Obergefell v. Hodges, Alabama has not decided yet whether that ruling applies (spoiler: it does), so the case is NOT closed: That is just about the saddest fucking thing we have ever read. The effect of the Supreme ...

Bristol Palin A Smidge Displeased With All You MOTHERFARKING JERKFACE BITCHEZ!

Now that Bristol Palin has announced her second or third pregnancy — whatever — all without the benefit of God and Jesus claiming holy Prima Nocta up in her wedding-night bed, she is SUPER-BUMMED about it, and that is whatever the opposite of “sad” is, because girl can go fuck herself, right in the ear. But now there is a newsflash, and that is that Bristol Palin is lying, because her mouth is moving. Fuck you all, said Bristol Palin (direct quote, actually!), I ...
  Fear Of Peter King Perfectly Normal

Muslim-Hatin’ Rep: But Are White Terrorists Even Terrorists, Really?

Damn it, denial IS TOO a strategy
Congressfireplug Peter King (R-NY Somehow) was not at all impressed by last week’s report from the New America Foundation, which found that more Americans have been killed by rightwing terrorism than by Muslim extremists since 9/11. King serves on the House Homeland Security Committee, so he’ll have you know that mere numbers don’t tell the whole story, and also the report was carried in the New York Times, so it’s obviously worthless. There’s just no way that ...
  Stigmata cropping up all over the GOP these days

When Will God Stop Forcing Ben Carson To Run For President?

He wears long sleeves to cover up where they nailed him to the cross.
THESE REPUBLICANS, right? Ted Cruz explained recently that he hates running for president so much, but he has to do it, because God anointed him with Holy Spirit juice, and he’s the only hope we have to save America. Apparently, Almighty God is hedging his bets like a Wall Street Bank Whore, because He is ALSO forcing Ben Carson to run for president. Carson explained to Iowa voters that he doesn’t like running for president, he is having a very bad time, and he just wants to go ...
  So pro-lifey

Supreme Court Conservatives Say Murdering Inmates Still A-OK

Could be worse
On Monday, the Supreme Court upheld Oklahoma’s blatantly cruel practice of execution by lethal injection, declaring that there’s nothing cruel and unusual about it, so rock on, Oklahoma, and lethally inject all the death-row inmates you want. The state uses a combination of three drugs — midazolam, vecuronium bromide, and potassium chloride — to render an inmate unconscious, and then to stop the inmate’s breathing, and finally, his (or her) beating heart. This ...
  Jebus Says You Don't Have To Do Your Job

Texas And Other States Fixin’ To Secede From Gay Union

Needs to be about 20% gayer
As you could have predicted, for all the celebrations of Friday’s Great Big Supreme Court decision, it’s now time for the foot-dragging by people who simply don’t wanna ride the Gay Marry-Go-Round. Chief among them is Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, who issued an epic cri de butthurt Friday that explained how the First Amendment prohibits making Christian bigots feel bad. He followed that up with a letter Sunday offering Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick his carefully thought out ...

Donald Trump Bans Mean Spanishes From Fancy-Pants Miami Resort

Can't imagine why Mexicans would be pissed off at him.
Amidst the PURE APPLESAUCE and INTERPRETIVE JIGGERY POKERY of last week’s marriage and Obamacare news, you might have missed the very important story of how Donald Trump is being forced to sue Univision, because it was mean to him and decided against airing his Miss Universe Pageant, due to the fact that Trump has been a real dick toward Mexicans lately, saying Mexican immigrants are druggers, crimers and rapists. Trump is now continuing his baby temper tantrum, by banning all ...
  never give up never surrender

GOP Rep. To Supreme Court: If You Like Obamacare So Much, Why Don’t You Gay Marry It?

Rep. Brian Babin (R-Crybaby)
After the Supreme Court saved Obamacare, AGAIN, most Republicans were more or less content to stomp their feet, shake their tiny fists of fury, repeat their five-year-old warnings that expanded healthcare access will destroy America (any day now, you’ll see!), and have themselves a good cry. And we drank of their tears, and enjoyed them ever so. But Texas Republican Rep. Brian Babin, who is, apparently, seven years old, is not content to merely sulk in a corner and fart vague threats ...
  Still Mystified By Bra Straps

Nerdy Teens Invent ‘Smart Condom’ To Detect STDs, Never Getting Laid Now

I got it off the toilet seat
Science Nice Time, kind of! Three English teenagers have invented — well, at least done the groundwork for — a condom that changes color when it comes into contact with common sexually transmitted diseases. Cool! Also, Ick! But Cool! Students from England’s Isaac Newton Academy have created a concept for a smart condom that would alter its luminescent hue when exposed to common STDs. There would be antibodies on the condom that would interact with the antigens of STDs, causing ...
  Burn That Mother Down

Hero Shows Removing Confederate Flag Mostly A Matter Of Pulling The Damned Thing Down

Always wear a helmet when tearing down a symbol of oppression
Meet your new national hero, Bree Newsome, of Raleigh, North Carolina, who was arrested Saturday morning for climbing the flagpole outside the South Carolina Statehouse in Columbia and taking down the Confederate flag, taking a rather more direct approach to the problem than Nikki “Brave Sir Nikki” Haley has. The New York Times notes that Newsome was “nearly halfway up the pole when a State Capitol police officer on routine patrol ordered her to come down. The authorities ...
  Here have some news n stuff

CNN EXCLUSIVE: Beware The Flag Of Radical Islamic Dildos And Buttplugs

While The Gays and their friends were priding through streets all over the world, CNN International assignment editor Lucy Pawle reported this shocking discovery at the Gay Pride in London, where she spotted a “quite distinctive man” with a quite distinctive flag: This man dressed in black and white was waving what appeared to be a very bad mimicry, but a clear attempt to mimic, the ISIS flag, the black and white flag with the distinctive lettering. I mean, if you look at the ...
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Gay Marriage, Confederate Flags, And Bristol Palin’s Immaculate Conception! Your Weekly Top Ten.

She is such an impressive baby!
Hello, Wonkers, what a week we had! The Confederate flag died a timely death, Obamacare was saved AGAIN, and we now have the mandatory gay marriage the country has been craving for so long. Have you found your gay husband or wife yet? If not, you should find one in the comments, which are not allowed! Also, important update on Wonkette babby! As you can see above, she is now teaching math at the local university, isn’t that exciting? So, it’s almost time for us to count down the ...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: The Illiterate, The Perverse, And The Deranged

Just try to keep the Yaks happy
The deleted comments game is a weird business — sometimes you can predict what topics will draw a lot of crazy comments — guns, Islam, and the Duggars, especially — and then sometimes, there’s a huge news story that doesn’t quite bring out nearly as much derp as we expected. For instance, we were sure that we’d be devoting most of this week’s Dear ShitFerBrains to this week’s Supreme Court decisions: Thursday’s Obamacare ruling and ...
  the apocalypse starts right here right now

Flatworms, Flesh-Eating Bacteria And Rick Scott (But We Repeat Ourselves): Your Florida Roundup

The South Gon’ Rise Again (in a not-racist way this time, honest)
Greeting, Wonketteers. Are you ready to take a well-deserved break from your buttsechs gay marriage orgies and sojourn with me down to Your Very Favorite Land of Snakes and Swamps, a dystopian hellscape that not even Wes Anderson could make adorable? Sure you are! Let’s get to it. We shall begin with that little fella up top there, the New Guinea flatworm, considered one of the most invasive species out there. Per science: “The discovery of this species in mainland America should be ...
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin’s Empire Of Grift Crumbles Into The Eternal Sea

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
Sarah Palin has finally awakened from her long summertime slumber to publish new videos, hooray! We’ll get to the new video in a moment. But first: where has Governor Quitterface been these last couple weeks? Like migratory waterfowl before they are shot and field-dressed by the First Dude, Palin’s been calm above the surface while paddling furiously beneath. The exact chronology is unclear, but let’s recap what has happened in Palin’s life over the course of these two video-free weeks: ...
  Hoes 'n Tricks

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Activist Court Says De-Gaying Hot Naked Dudes Is ‘Fraud’ Somehow

Greetings to all you salacious sodomite sinners! Once again we are proud to present your weekly compilation of the latest and greatest in news of the supernatural, the supernormal, and the superdumb. It’s the Snake Oil Bulletin! No doubt you deviants are plum tuckered out from all the rampant gay butthumping and church burnin’ you’ve been doing since the Legion of Doom changed our nation’s name to New West Sodom, but it’s time to hike up your girdles, slide ...
  How Sweet The Sound

Barack Obama’s Eulogy For Charleston Victims Is Amazing, Graceful (Video)

Friday was an astonishing news day — it started with the Supreme Court rewriting the map of “states where gay marriage is legal.” And then midday, while we were all still euphoric over that, President Obama gave his eulogy for Rev. Clementa Pinckney, the pastor of Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church and a South Carolina state Senator, who was murdered last week, along with eight of his parishioners: Tywanza Sanders, Susie Jackson, Cynthia Hurd, Sharonda ...
  In which we have "feelings" and bullshit like that

A Sappy Love Letter From Your Gay Wonkette, About America Getting Gay Marriaged In The Butt

That's yr gay Wonkette's niece. She's actually a wingnut, but her parents pose her for pictures like this.
Thursday night, I sat in my parents’ front yard just outside Memphis and looked at the house where I spent my teenage years. I wasn’t intending to have either Poignant Thoughts or A Moment, I just wanted to smoke a cigarette. (SHUT UP, I AM QUITTING.) I looked at the windows of my old bedroom and suddenly remembered, “Oh, tomorrow might be the day.” And then, surprisingly but not out of nowhere, I remembered the early ’90s, when I started to realize I was ...
  We're not crying YOU'RE crying

Hillary Clinton’s Gay Marriage Video Will Give Your Cold Shriveled Heart ALL The Feels

That's the one. That's the couple that's gonna make you cry like a little BITCH.
Oh Wonkers, you are such damaged souls, and you are not even allowed to comment about it. But buck up, buckaroos, there is a new day on the horizon! WE ARE A MARRIAGE EQUALITY NATION, and your once and future Queen Of America, Hillary Clinton, is here with a heartwarming message about how “gay rights are human rights, and human rights are gay rights.” Which is just SILLY, because #NOTALLHUMANS. C’mon, Hillary! Get with the program! The video intersperses images of gay ...
  Boo hoo

Supreme Court Losers Lose Their Sh*t Over Gay Marriage, And It’s Delightful

It's the end of the world! Except not
It turns out that not every single U.S. American is sexcitedly happy dancing because the Supreme Court confirmed that, per the Constitution, the Constitution is for everybody. Like, some of the justices on the Supreme Court (but not enough of them to matter, HAHAHAHA). Join us, as we read their word-weeping for their beloved institution of inequality, which is dead as fried chicken now, huzzah! John Roberts Chooses Wrong Side Of History After All We knew the Supreme Court was going to ...