In Case You Missed it

Wonkette Week In Review: Yule Want To See The Week’s Best Stories

A young gentile Al Franken reads a book to kids
Happy Festivus weekend, Wonkers! Hope you’re ready for the Airing of Grievances! Our greatest grievance is, of course, that we can only bring Wonkette to you a mere 7 days a week, and worse, on some of those days, you may still miss some of our Wonkings because of things like a ...
  Here Is A Nice Thing For A Change

The Colbert Report Is No More. Long Live Stephen Colbert’s Best Moment Ever

As you probably noticed, The Colbert Report ran its final episode last night. It was a big sendoff for a beloved entertainment icon. But remember when he got just a little too real with George W. Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents’ Dinner and people thought he’d gone too ...
  Sudo Stop Being Sexist

Women In Tech: When Will They Shut Up And Be Men?

Oh jeeze that book. Did we even?
Women in technology continued to be a big problem this week, insisting that somehow the fact that they are women was even noteworthy, AS IF. Let’s start with the genuinely horrible and end with the slightly less horrible, shall we? From the seemingly endless morass of misogyny and stupid ...
  Rollin Down The Street

Drop It Like It’s Hot: Your Friday Cocktail Hour Gin And Juice

Did you know that grapefruit is in season? Did you already run out and buy a big bag? Perfect. Let’s drink ‘em. We need to juice them, but the juicer we usually use for citrus cannot handle the size of the grapefruit. One of those jams that’s a reamer over top of a bowl or a ...
  Suffer Even More Children

Vegan Fundamentalist Parents Let Baby Die To Please God

Oh no, it's the kittens
As you are no doubt aware, it is the official position of this mommyblog that vegans are the worst. Vegetarians, you can cook for, but vegans have to bring their own Tupperware container of organic sludge to the Wonkette Holiday party. And as Yr Editrix says, “Even more annoying than when ...
  Pew pew pew!

Florida Makes It Even Easier To Live Out Your Family-Friendly Gun-Humping Fantasies

Is the guy on the right also the guy in the middle, or do all gun-humpers look the same to Yr Wonket?
Orlando has long been a destination for theme-park enthusiasts, so if you’re planning to bring the kids to see Mickey and Minnie, be sure to swing by Machine Gun America, a brand-spankin’-new theme park that opens Saturday, Dec. 20. If you have to ask what kinds of fun things you ...
  so we're all good then right?

Judge Exonerates 14-Year-Old Black Boy 70 Years Later. Execution Harder To Reverse

Remember, America has nothing to apologize for. It was a long time ago. Robert Byrd was in the KKK. The NAACP are the real racists. This is just a distraction from Benghazi.
A South Carolina judge has thrown out the 1944 murder conviction of George Stinney Jr., who had been convicted of murdering two young white girls whose heads were smashed with something like a railroad spike. Stinney, 14 years old, was tried in two hours and found guilty after ten minutes of ...
  buzzkills

Nebraska and Oklahoma Harshing Colorado’s Mellow With Totally Uncool Lawsuit, Man

Colorado is coming up on its one-year weediversary! In keeping with the paper gift traditionally given on first anniversaries, two of its neighbors went in on a lovingly handcrafted lawsuit. In the most serious legal challenge to date against Colorado’s legalization of marijuana, two ...
  But It Wasn't A Chicken! It Was A Baby!

Fine, Here Is Your Big Colbert Report Farewell Number

Are we sure Randy Newman didn't write that song?
Stephen Colbert did his very last show last night, and while it couldn’t possibly top the majesty and brilliance of the Seinfeld finale, it also didn’t close out the series with a clip show, either. After a fun “The Word” segment where Colbert reassured us that ...
  Who does he think he is -- the president?

RINO John Boehner Thinks Obama Is President Or Something

Finally a reason to smile
This is not supposed to be news, but in a shocking and stunning and OMG-ing turn of events, Speaker of the House John Boehner has invited President Obama to do his job. Article II, Section 3 of the U.S. Bible clearly states that the president is supposed to, from time to time, inform Congress ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: American Wingnuts Sing Weird ‘Love Song For J. Alfred Putin’ (Video)

she has that 'This is so stupid I 'm delighted' smile again
On Thursday’s Rachel Maddow Show, we learned that Vladimir Putin is quite happy with how his life is going, telling the Russian press that, following his divorce earlier this year, “I have love in my life. I love and am loved.” Isn’t that sweet? And it turns out that he ...
  the clown car packs in another one

Carly Fiorina Hiring Staff For Pretend Presidential Campaign Cosplay

Even more terrifying than the thought of Carly FIorina with the nuclear launch codes.
So it looks more and more as if this could really happen. As if the primaries for the 2016 GOP presidential nomination were not already going to be hilarious enough, chances continue to increase that they will include one-time Barbara Boxer chew toy Carly Fiorina. Get ready for Demon Sheep II: ...
  the white flag of freedom

Hollywood Surrenders To North Korean Nerd Squad

dear leader plz don't steal our emails
The power drunk, sadistic, and unstable Dictator for Life of North Korea, Kim Jong-Un — who executed a dozen members of his own family to consolidate power, starves his own people while pumping them full of propaganda, and is armed with nuclear weapons — surprisingly does not have a ...
  Look Back In Angerbear

WND Spills Blood, Tears, Jizz In Exit Interview With Michele Bachmann

All New big-format corndog for maximum Bachmann crazy
Now that Michele Bachmann has said a God-filled farewell to the House of Representatives, she’s also doing a valedictory tour of rightwing media, or at least WorldNetDaily. It is titled — we swear we are not making this up — “GOP Legend Quits Congress With Message For ...
  It's so crazy it just might work

Genius Independent Panel Recommends Secret Service Not Suck So Much

New beefed up security plan for the White House
Hey, remember how the Secret Service has been kind of sucking at doing its job of keeping uninvited guests from jumping the White House fence and walking right through the front door like it’s no big? In November, the White House conducted its own obviously biased investigation to figure ...
  wonkette would never report this if he were a democrat

Pervy Convict Legislator Wants Virginia To Remove The Taint From His Seat

Competition is heating up for Wonkette’s Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year award. Today’s featured contender: Joseph Dee Morrissey, recently resigned member of the Virginia House of Delegates and “descendant of John Morrissey, a 19th-century U.S. Congressman and one-time ...
  Rick Santorum Saw This Coming

Do Not Click On This Story About Rumored CIA-Detainee Rape By Dogs. Really, Don’t.

No, they didn't, did they?
We’re not sure what’s more depressing about this story alleging that CIA torture contractors may have used dogs to rape detainees in Afghanistan: The possibility that it happened, our realization that the CIA hasn’t given us any reason to think they’d never stoop to such ...
  Won’t someone please think of the white people?

Daily Caller: Never Forget That Black Lady Who Used To Be Blackness Czar Racisted A White General, With Racism

The REAL racists, obviously
Hot on the heels of the Helter-Skelter-provoking interview with Barack and Michelle Obummer in People magazine, in which they had the uppityness to claim that maybe being black maybe isn’t always a sunshine-and-daisies walk in the park in U.S. America, the always-sincere-and-genuine ...
  Gun Radio: A Radio Show For Guns

George Zimmerman: Be Sure To Buy Your ‘Killing Unarmed Black Kids’ Insurance!

Ready for all comers
George Zimmerman has a lot of free time. His notoriety prevents him from seeking conventional employment, evidently, and he got fired from his last unpaid gig in that the owner of the gun shop he was lurking behind at night for security told him to stop it already. Plus there’s that price ...
  A Loofah Under Every Tree

How is Bill O’Reilly Ruining Christmas This Year?

Fuck this guy. Seriously, fuck this guy.
Gather ’round, Wonketeers, because today we’re dropping not one but two Bill O’Reilly-shaped turds in yr stockings — it’s a Festivus miracle! We begin with O’Reilly’s remarks on Late Night with Seth Meyers. We won the war on Christmas. We won, alright? And ...
  Smoke your medicine

Colorado Is Gonna Smoke All The Marijuana — For Science!

It's for SCIENCE
Now that every single person in Colorado is hiiiiiiiigh on the reefer — except for lawyers; no weed for you, esquires — the state is going to invest your hard-earned pot dollars in scientific research to find out just how freakin’ awesome medical marijuana really is: Colorado ...
  The Forever War On Christmas

Hero Michigan Legislator Will Save Baby Jesus From Satan, Stuffed Snake

That's pretty festive
In Lansing, Michigan, pearls were clutched and couches were fainted upon when the First Amendment performance artists at the Satanic Temple announced they’d be setting up a holiday display at the Capitol building. As usual, the Satanic Temple folks submitted their application for a ...