Arrest everyone

Bill O’Reilly Will Throw All The Health Care Criminals In Ebola Prison

Who cares if he doesn't know what he's talking about?
Bill O’Reilly is getting pretty sick and tired of the Obama administration refusing to follow Bill O’Reilly’s “common sense” advice on Ebola. First, Dr. Tom Frieden, the director of the Centers for Disease Control, refused to go on O’Reilly’s show to ...
  dirty old men

Congrats GOP Septuagenarian, You Are In Jail For Trying To Rape A Lady On Skype!

Olds. They are always burning up your phone like “how do I get to the Wonkette.com?” and “what’s a url?” and “oh no I accidentally attempted to rape a young lady while the Skype was skypeing and the police saw the Skype and now I am IN JAIL!” Learn some ...
  Get Christie Loathe!

Chris Christie Has Civil Conversation With Citizen, Just Kidding

Oh, PLEASE run for president. Your nation's comedy bloggers need you.
Ugly bag of mostly bile Chris Christie did some brave yelling at a guy during an appearance in Belmar, New Jersey, to mark the second anniversary of Hurricane Sandy on Wednesday. Where sometimes your Barry Bamz politely says he respects protesters’ rights to free speech (usually before ...
  This will definitely work

President Lindsey Graham Will Be Great For Rich White Men

Here's one idea that will never work
Lindsey Graham, the senator from South Carolina, has always seemed content to be the third wheel, the sidekick, the woman behind behind the man. He was the weakest, most soft-spoken link in the ménage à trois that was John McCain and Joe Lieberman, until Joe was chased from office because even ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Rachel Maddow Does Science To Rightwing Myths About IUDs (Video)

O'Douls? Possibly the cruellest cut of the whole bit.
Rachel Maddow took a trip to the Man Cave (or the green screen version of one) Wednesday night to debunk a deeply held article of faith about one form of birth control that could be outlawed if Colorado passes its third try at a “personhood amendment.” Abortion opponents also want ...
  american exceptionamalisms

What Do You Want To Do Today, Keith Ablow? Try To Take Over The World!

Keith Ablow is ready to jihad everyone.
We have read through this new column by walking foreskin Dr. Keith Ablow about four times now in the hope that we will reach a point where it does not make us want to smash our own face with a tack hammer. Sadly, we have failed. So sorry, face! What is the World’s Worst “Psychiatrist” writing ...
  Sweet Dreams And Flying Machines In Pieces On The Ground

Space Case Donald Trump Hates Private Enterprise Now

Burnin' out his fuse up there alone
An unmanned Antares rocket exploded seconds after liftoff from a facility in Virginia yesterday, with the total loss of a payload of food, water, and scientific experiments bound for the International Space Station. It was pretty spectacular: No one was hurt in the crash, though there was ...
  Please Run For President!

We Found You That Double Supersecret Video Of John Kasich Being An Asshat

I can't hear you, I can't hear you, la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Yesterday we brought you the odd story of the Disappearing John Kasich Video, in which we learned that the Cleveland Plain Dealer’s corporate overlords, Northeast Ohio Media Group, (call ‘em “NEOMG,” because “Ni! OMG!” is fun to say) had removed a video of ...
  Trucks love Mitch!

Mitch McConnell Is Not An Animal, Mitch McConnell Is A Human Being!!!1!

He rejected this ad idea, as you can see
Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell may not be a scientist, but he is a likable, funny human being-type person. Why, just look at all of his clever ads that prove it! Like this ad, where Mitch McConnell talks about ads. So human! So funny! Mitch McConnell decided not to make a picture of himself ...
  'Invisible Man' Wasn't An Instruction Book

We Are Sure Georgia Has A Very Good Reason For Not Letting All Those Black People Vote

Or maybe you just don't exist. Can you prove it?
Nothing like a little week-before-the-election chaos. In Georgia, where activists say that some 40,000 newly registered voters’ names do not yet appear on the state’s database, a judge denied a petition Tuesday requesting that the secretary of state take immediate action to process ...
  go fuck yourself

Swedish Sex Toy Company Offers New Exclusive Way For Bankers To F*k Themselves

Business Insider reports Swedish fuckstick maker Lelo has a new product exclusively for bankers, for whom your standard neoprene (?) 18-inch black double-donger just isn’t sexclusive enough. Here’s why, from the company: “Many bankers want more from their profession and their ...
  Must Be Go Scream At A Teacher Week Again

Hero Marine Dad Will Unleash Hell Itself If Daughter’s World History Class Says Muslims Are Real

There. Much better without that nonsense
In a shocking display of Political Correctness Run Amok, a high school in Maryland has banned a student’s father from campus simply because he threatened to “bring down a shit-storm” on the school unless his daughter’s World History class eliminated any mention of Islam, ...
  dear john

Secret Service Hooker Investigator Canned, You Will Never Guess Why Just Kidding

Remember when the Secret Service couldn’t stop visiting prostitutes, and then some poor kid from the White House advance team couldn’t stop visiting prostitutes, and it was obviously Obama’s fault coverupbenghaziworsethanwatergate? Of course you do, that is all you read about ...
  Walker 2016

Some Of Scott Walker’s Best Friends Are Women

Hey, ladies of Wisconsin! With the election that decides his political future coming up next week, your feminist hero Gov. Scott Walker has remembered that you’re allowed to vote, just in time for him to put one of your kind on TV to make a not-at-all disingenuous play for your support. ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Let’s Go Weed Shopping In Denver With Rachel Maddow (Video)

The simile seems lost on Rachel
Rachel Maddow was in Denver for a live broadcast Tuesday night. Warning: It’s a little weird to watch the news with an audience applauding and cheering in the background. The highlight (ha!) of the episode was Maddow’s visit to a dispensary of “recreational meds,” aka ...
  Actually This Is About Ethics In Political Journalism

Wow, Bajillionaire Bruce Rauner Is A Real A-Hole

Who's got two thumbs and is a total jerk? This guy!
This guy. Jesus, this guy. Republican Bruce Rauner, who has more money than God and a better wine collection too, wants to be the next dude to get evicted from the Illinois governor’s mansion and sent to prison. (That’s what happens to all of them, right?) His pitch to voters is ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Only Men Are Allowed To Use Daddy’s Name To Run For Office, Duh

He got there all on his own
Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman. Actually, it’s hard most of the time — thanks, MEN — but it’s especially hard if you’re a woman running for office: Last week, a statewide official in Georgia accused Democratic Senate candidate Michelle Nunn of cashing in ...
  And A Little Child Shall Make Them Say 'Amazeballs!'

Nice Time! This 13-Year-Old Kick-Ass Baseball Phenom, Plus Rachel Maddow!

Wow, that kid :)
It’s been one brain-basher of a week, and it’s only Tuesday. So take a minute to watch this terrific little “Best New Thing in the World” clip about how ceremonial first pitches usually suck — there’s even a Washington Post chart to prove it: Of course, all ...
  Maybe she will quit again one day

Sarah Palin Just Might Quit A Half-Term Of A Office Again One Day, Hooray!

Ever since Our Lady of Meth-Colored Lipstick quit her job to pursue a reality teevee career because only dead fish serve a full term as governor, we have a-hoped and a-prayed that Sarah Palin would one day run for being in office of something again one day. Alas, we’d really quit ...
  You Got Your Science In My Religion: A Study In Contrasts

Pope Trolls Creationists, Says Evolution Is A Thing

Sure, they both believe in Invisible Sky Daddy. But one guy at least seems to live on this planet.
Pope Francis gave a lot of fundagelicals a sad Monday when he restated a fairly simple tenet of Catholic belief: There’s no contradiction between faith and science, particularly the theory of evolution and the Big Bang. Even though that’s not exactly a new idea in Catholicism ...
  bring back the demon sheep

Vote Republican Or Everyone Will Die From EbolaISISGuantanamoGhazi

Vote GOP or ghost terrorists will kill you and your stupid dog.
We are now into the last week of the midterm campaign, by which point the candidates and parties traditionally have long given up any remaining shreds of dignity or pretense that the election has anything to do with such high-falutin’ concepts as “ideas” or “democracy.” Not that we need to tell ...
  No film at 11

Why Doesn’t The Plain Dealer Want You To See Gov. Kasich Being An Asshat?

I am so smart! S-M-R-T!
So here’s a heck of a thing: The Cleveland Plain Dealer newspaper just loves Ohio Gov. John Kasich. In 2010, it endorsed Kasich, seeing in him a candidate “given to Reagan-style optimism and bold, sometimes questionable, ideas.” The editorial board seems to have stopped ...