Your Morning Maddow

Rachel Maddow Explains The Shootings In Ottawa So We Don’t Have To (Video)

Wednesday, a guy with a rifle, Michael Zehaf-Bibeau, went on his own one-man jihad in Ottawa, killing a soldier at the national war memorial and then going into the Parliament building, where he was shot by security before he could harm anyone else; this was the second attack on Canadian ...
  unpossible!

Liberal Lawmaker Owns A Gun AND Favors Gun Control. Impossible!

Do not takesess our precious.
Big scoopy scoop over at The Blaze, Glenn Beck’s online home for his continuing total emotional and mental breakdown now cruising through its – let’s see, how old is Glenn Beck? – its 50th year. Seems Missouri state Sen. Jamilah Nasheed got herself arrested during a protest outside the Ferguson ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Did Bazillionaire Bruce Rauner Bully A Reporter Out Of His Job? Yes. Yes, He Did.

He's just a regular super rich guy who's a total dick
Bruce Rauner, the Republican candidate for Illinois governor, is just a regular guy with a van. Oh, and a $100,000 wine club membership. And some Cayman Islands cash. And a charming disposition, by which we mean he allegedly said of a former employee who was suing him that he’d bury her, ...
  Gag Me With A Ballot

Fox News: Young Women Should Go Find Sexxytimes Online And Leave Democracy To Grownups

If it keeps the terrorists from winning, it's still civic-minded.
Fox News hostroid Kimberly Guilfoyle said Tuesday that America would be a far better place if young women would just please stay home and go do their Twittergrams and Tindermatches instead of cluttering up our elections with all their stupidness. She urged the frivolous young things to avoid ...
  Unskew Kentucky!

Hey, Look At This Extra Money Democrats Found Laying Around For Alison Lundergan Grimes

Yee haw we think maybe?
So there is an election? In, like, two weeks? And it’s sort of important — because ALL elections are important, duh — but there is a very good chance that this election will give Republicans control of the Senate so they can finally finally impeach President Obama, repeal the ...
  Lethal Injunction

WonkiFact: Yep, Rick Scott Delayed Execution For Attorney General’s Campaign Schedule

Now *that's* a logo.
During the second, fan-free debate between former Florida Gov. Charlie Crist* and current Gov. Rick Scott (R-Malfoy Manor) Tuesday night, the accusations flew hot and heavy. One of the more notable exchanges involved the question of whether Gov. Voldemort knowingly delayed a prisoner’s ...
  born to run

Chris Christie Will Win Presidency With New Jersey Charm And Probably Whacking His Opponents

This fucking guy
Human meatball Chris Christie, governor of the Turnpike Exit State, is gearing up for his inevitable presidential run in 2016. Which means giving America a glimpse of that fabulously warm personality type that once made Tony Soprano the most popular murdering sociopath in America. In a speech ...
  i renounced and denounced your mom last night

Green Bay Alderman Will Listen To Citizen Just As Soon As She Isn’t A Terrorist

A nice lady in Green Bay, Wisconsin, wrote her alderman, because she is a good citizen. “Hey,” she wrote, “howsabout some free bus service on Election Day for the poors and democracy and suchlike?” But she wrote it classier because she is not Yr Wonkette. ...
  Only Ten Million Votes Short Of A Heartbeat Away

Let’s All Listen To Track And Bristol Palin, And Laugh And Laugh

Can't be too careful
Update: Additional fun audio at end of post. Thank god for responsive government! We’ve already seen the police reports, and now Anchorage Police have released audio from their interviews with witnesses at the scene of the Great Wasillabilly Rumble. The recordings are a veritable treasure ...
  Ballot Recital

Latino Guy Delivers Absentee Ballots In Arizona. You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next.

It's almost as if he thought he wasn't breaking the law or something!
Finally, the right has incontrovertible evidence of voting fraud! Democrats say it’s rare, but here is the video that proves just how real and scary it is: “Liberal activist caught on video stuffing hundreds of ballots.” Or, from some of the more responsible rightwing sites ...
  It Could Happen

How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not

The first time I set eyes on Nate Silver, I just got that old-fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone him.
It looks like Republicans are probably going to control the Senate next year despite how people don’t like them, according to Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight blog and other respected nerds. In 2012, Silver famously predicted the winner of every Senate race, which was an impressive ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Rachel Maddow: Good For You, Washington State, You’re 50% Smarter Now (Video)

It's really quite simple. Or should be.
Rachel Maddow is delighted — and so are we, because happy Rachel = Happy us — that in the recent Scottish independence referendum, small but substantial numbers of ballots had to be thrown out because they had both “Yes” and “No” marked on the simplest ...
  hey dad I'm in jail

Alabama House Speaker Goin’ To Pokey For Bein’ A Big Ol’ Thief-Man Allegedly

Hey, Alabama House Speaker Mike Hubbard! Whatcha doin’? Oh, getting arrested on 23 counts of felony corruption? Well, that sounds about right. What did you do, steer a whole bunch of fake contracts to yourself and third parties who were really just shell companies for you, while you were ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Surprise! Real Sex Ed Really Works. No, Really.

That's one way to teach it
We all know that abstinence-only education and purity balls, where you pledge to save yourself for Daddy and Jesus, do not actually prevent kids from doing sex to each other. (We do all know that, right?) But there’s a new study that suggests real sex ed actually does the very thing that ...
  pretend i'm dead

Cool Conserva-Ladies: Stop Pretending You Got Roofied, You Ignorant Slut

Here is a video of some dumb lady who is all like “date rape drugs meh nonsense sniff.” Cool, lady! Very good think-tanking, we are sure! I do not have fancy “numbers and facts,” but I* have been roofied three separate times! I could be all mad about it, like GRRR date ...
  But He Won't Do That

Gov. Kasich Will Still Murder Your Obamacare, Ohio, Except For All The Parts Of It

Add your Amazing Carnac joke here
This one makes a lot of sense: Ohio Gov. John Kasich kind of embarrassed himself by speaking a very uncomfortable truth Monday, saying that even though Republicans like to talk about repealing Obamacare, it’s just “not gonna happen,” and that Republican opposition to the ...
  As Always The Voice Of Reason

Bill O’Reilly Wishes You Chicks Would Stop Being Such Girls

Must be 'that time of the month'
Americans are scared, and they feel like things are completely out of control, and Bill O’Reilly is ON IT. You see, this Politico poll found that, in the most contested states in the upcoming midterms, 2/3 of voters said America “has lost control of its major challenges.” Huh. ...
  shhhh! that's your inner monologue

RNC Lady Wishes You Weren’t Stupid, Wisconsin

Wisconsin voters head for the polls, apparently.
Everyone say hello to Sharon Day, co-chair of the Republican National Committee and today’s winner of the “Shhh! You’re Not Supposed To Say That Out Loud” award. Day was visiting Wisconsin to fire up the troops working to re-elect Scott Walker as governor when she spoke the following aloud at a ...
  Republican won't let gays get wet

Don’t Feed The Gays After Midnight

No self-respecting gay person would be caught dead driving one of these
Anthony Culler, the Republican running against James Clyburn for South Carolina’s 6th Congressional District, has a few problems as a candidate, according to The Hill. Culler “is not well-liked by the GOP establishment in South Carolina, and has no chance of defeating Clyburn this ...
  Dia De Los Dipshits

Kirk Cameron Proves Pagans Tried To Steal Halloween From Baby Jesus

Could be Baby Jesus, could be mummies. Your call
Onetime teevee actor Kirk Cameron, getting into the spirit of the pre-Christmas movie release season, gave a very exciting interview to the Christian Post, in which he revealed that Halloween is a 100 percent Christian festival of 100 percent Christian origins. OK, sure, by pure coincidence, it ...
  It’s just like common sense and stuff

Marco Rubio’s Not A Scientist, Man, But He Is An Ebola Expert

He's, like, an expert and stuff
Republican Florida Man Marco Rubio “is not a scientist, man,” but that doesn’t preclude him from knowing exactly what we must do to combat the spread of Ebola. That’s why he’s introducing a Senate bill to force the U.S. of A government to do what he knows is the ...
  pity the fool

Smoove B. Barry Bamz Beclowns Chicago Fool

Thanks to Buzzfeed — a phrase we type as rarely as possible — we got us some Suavay Presidente stone cold clowning a fool in Chicago before claiming his woman as his own by presidential right. We miss “Mike,” the fool, telling the Leader of the Free World not to touch ...